angriness

My mother is dying at about 58. My girlfriend of about 7 months and I just broke up. Spending time with your close family curtails many activites, but I suppose its better that way. Hard to imagine what I would be doing otherwise. People come over again and again prepared to see mom for the last time. Normally I see things around me and think of how they could be done better, but this process seems to be going the best way it can. My mom has lots of friends, more than I think most people, especially people in my generation. I suppose it’s a comfort. It passes the time at least, preventing me from spending whole days sitting there crying while I hold her feet. One day after breaking a relationship off you are so aware of the absence. The strings that bound you, promting resistance to call or go over, gone. You to float a bit. Lonely for once in so long. Its so easy to think of the comfort. So nice to imagine calling and saying all these nice things now that you see more the positive sides of the interaction. She was such a comfort. Concentrate on what did not work though. Though it was amicable, a week is still the most sensible at least. Before I can mention that Im ok, I hope shes ok. Subtle fear that she will go out and touch people. Cant help it, and I doubt she is inclined to do so anyway. We lacked the respect for each other needed to continue. Some connection was lost, though there was still some crazy timing between us, she doesn’t realize. Maybe that’s just something that can happen with people you are in tune with, and perhaps there are many people you can be in tune with. Guess I will see in time. I miss her though, that’s for sure. The computers are broken and I cant think. My boss said I can take time off work and Im not sure how to. Im seeing a trained psychological type person this week for the first time ever. I can only wonder what that is like. Its nice to tell people about your troubles though. Seems to release some of their import. For what though. For what do I do. So that I can try to do good work I guess.

nonstop nonthought calibrates the done man for tomorrow. Eyes closed to breath.

but watching as a death goes on for months changes so much about who a person is to you. There must be ways to preserve and image of someone so that you raent later only remembering the way they were when their falculties erode. Certainly traits remain that inspire you but the feeling of dread only grows. Wondering is there more that can be done. Is there anything that can be said that might better this rainstorm. Human touch and time spent together clashes with multiple interference. No one is the same person to several people and when time is short all those people might be in the same room. You just have to push. You have to keep standing and keep trying and know in your heart that what you are doing is right. Your sorrow like anger is a gift and it is to be nurtured at the right time. Too often the knee jerk is to evade such stress but without relishing ever, without tearing and flowing and wailing how do you know you feel anything. If you dont, how does it burn you later? In disporportionate ways and random settings the stress does bubble to the surface. Somehow like the the past is history the future is a mystery, this moment is a gift, and thus called the present. Try to contain tidbits of the good and presertve them and that is what you had.