angriness

I cant be with her right now because I have reservations about trying to convince her to be with me. She broke up with me because I could not live up to her expectations. We live 4hrs apart and with no plan to live in the same zone, it became too hard for me after 6 months. So I stoned up and said nothing and eventually she told me to get te fuck. That was enough to wake me up a bit and start fighting for something, the chance to have her still in my life. I was convinced that we deserved to not hate each other. She didint respond for a while after we wrote little. I flip. She comes to visit others and we get to talk. Some pain is consolidated. Stresses are communicated. Cycle right back to attracted attracted desires. Nice to have you back. oops shes leaving again.

She isnt sure if she can keep up emailing regular. She could be with someone new in a week or six months. She planned a trip to the same place I was planning a trip to though. And I love her.

I cant let go. I cant stop thinking about things in terms of her as part of me. Last week it was war with her but without the war its loss of her. Now its my turn to wonder if I can write her. Now its my turn to be alone and know I bought this for myself. We are going to try to win by effective communication. We cant be talking everyday, we cant be writing everyday. So I cant write. I can write here though, the anatomy of a breakup. Whats most important too me. Knowing she is ok? How do I even know that. Whats important for me is to make her feel supported and loved. I have to be stronger than that which will inspire me to be jealous, lonely, scared, hurt, vulnerable. I see some notes I gave her before, even today. They are garbage though. I pipe garbage. Just going to try to get clear on things. Clearing up.

cant roll on fire from our wheels dear | we have time now just lets steer clear | wreckage worst than that ahead and Im not letting you cry | Im telling you cry now though | crys now for a wall