angriness

So Im thinking that the lights should really go off earlier. The sadness in my eyes is amplified by the lights. That is, my eyes look worse the more light they see in every day and in more light it is easier to see that my eyes look bad. What I am going to try to do is remove some of the logic from some of my processes and put it into parts where I do things without logic. We dont know what to call the illogic yet. Passion, heart, feeling things, acting with your body rather than your head. Acting with your heart. Whatever. Everyone has the irrational and the rational driving them. I want to swap some. I think that logic has been taking over a little too much, not that the balance can really be skewed too much between these modes of action. Likely, it will be easier to identify things that I do illogically, as I am fairly logical. Its illogical however to expect a paper to get written by itself as a deadline looms. Its not much fun to swap logic into that one though because then I would just be writing that paper. So something more abstract to test the logic swap. I cant think of it, but tomorrow I will seek out some illogical gestures. I guess its illogical to think the people at work dont like me or I dont like them, because its a fairly worthless thought. yeah you can think it in the hope that you will act right or move but I havent and Im not gonna so I will just be logical in then heads. So where can that illogic go. On something I have been cold hard logic on. Im confused again.

So the girl decides we have to stop communicating. Email ideal was the goal, where you havent lost the other person entirely. I think that I was enjoying great benefit of having her a little bit available after the break. Unfortunately she decides its not allowing her to move on. For being ready to be done The idea breakup is defined as the one that leaves the least pain in its wake. Somehow like timing emotions and understanding. She doesnt forgive me for failing to uphold my role. She moved 4 hours away about 7 months ago and there is no chance of us living in the same space in the coming years. Im the badguy though, most likely for the way that I did it. I do think there might be better ways to do it, but I dont think that any would have left her feeling much better than this. It was so too good to be true knowing that she was still a little available. Ishtar and fubar move on and up. Didlypix.

Could there be some better ways? I think the best way is to be busy enough not to feel the loss of these people too much. Yeah, sad is but no its not blocking me from doing anything. Instead Im blocks from doing anything for rainy sunday. Write a paper bitch. Pleasure.

Spring appears at long last. Not trusting ti to say but walking around without a jacket is a novel pleasure. None of these things should be feeling novel but I just cant remember what it was like to feel comfortable for very long at a time recently. Cant nail down an effort that saves me. cant remember the last good save. A failure to try to get anything really done. Break. Back to the drawing bored with assumptions restated. Im a scientist in training. I have at times been very driven to think about and write about science. I have been as of late not very productive. I buy musical equipment and pile it into a room where I make all kinds of noise. I intend to have a significant impact on something by recording music and practicing science. I can say that but I havent felt it for some time. There is good reason to expect change in the near future, but lets have a moment of silence for being a loser, shall we? Over and over again time lost and people lost and time lost and chances lost so that I could watch them go over the edge. What pleasure to experience the sight rather than the experience. I have seen this before. I know what happens next. Have some thoughts to hold dear over the reader as she sits and shimmers. The sky left me months ago. The moon grabs its bags and looks at me, dissapointed. Yeah sorry guys I guess I will just have to try harder. Thanks for the memories.

I cant be with her right now because I have reservations about trying to convince her to be with me. She broke up with me because I could not live up to her expectations. We live 4hrs apart and with no plan to live in the same zone, it became too hard for me after 6 months. So I stoned up and said nothing and eventually she told me to get te fuck. That was enough to wake me up a bit and start fighting for something, the chance to have her still in my life. I was convinced that we deserved to not hate each other. She didint respond for a while after we wrote little. I flip. She comes to visit others and we get to talk. Some pain is consolidated. Stresses are communicated. Cycle right back to attracted attracted desires. Nice to have you back. oops shes leaving again.

She isnt sure if she can keep up emailing regular. She could be with someone new in a week or six months. She planned a trip to the same place I was planning a trip to though. And I love her.

I cant let go. I cant stop thinking about things in terms of her as part of me. Last week it was war with her but without the war its loss of her. Now its my turn to wonder if I can write her. Now its my turn to be alone and know I bought this for myself. We are going to try to win by effective communication. We cant be talking everyday, we cant be writing everyday. So I cant write. I can write here though, the anatomy of a breakup. Whats most important too me. Knowing she is ok? How do I even know that. Whats important for me is to make her feel supported and loved. I have to be stronger than that which will inspire me to be jealous, lonely, scared, hurt, vulnerable. I see some notes I gave her before, even today. They are garbage though. I pipe garbage. Just going to try to get clear on things. Clearing up.

cant roll on fire from our wheels dear | we have time now just lets steer clear | wreckage worst than that ahead and Im not letting you cry | Im telling you cry now though | crys now for a wall

so far and so long away from being well. States your mind finds itself in. You dont evolve but you get evolved. really animals dont evolve but species do find them selves to have evolved. Thanks to death. So much death. People dont really change themselves but they do get changed. You can argue that people are changing themselves by making choices.

My ex has chosen to stop communicating. How exactly this is so much more of a pain than anything I have really endured with her I don't know. Timing? The total surprise that I could have picked two such americans in a row to open up to. Chalk it all up to experience boy. After you get some good scream out. Hoarse enough to stop for a spell. And cast one on myself. There are a large number of ways that the method can break down without warning. Stumble and keep falling, your in the same shitstorm you were before, dont worry. Its possible that she felt this pain before breaking up with me. Initiating or whatever. I still dont forgive it though. Yes its reasonable, yes the standard here allows for it, no I do not think it is right, yes I will hold out a little longer for something. But physically what can be done in the meantime.

physically.