angriness

Makes you sign again the mail. Lights flicker lovingly on the wall Theres some small part of becoming a man that is having the family for dinner. Should have made done it long ago. So many days sleeping for slow aging. Chose what to age into. Hottest words of the month being "Im pregnant" being so as that I strangely love the sound of it. Like out of touchness only could rely on that mental outcome as reasonable. Anyway this firefly fluttered in and away in a month, but awakened me perhaps to some sensibility. certainly took up no time otherwise wasted. Stimulating. I displayed great laziness, looking at this quote unquote gift horse strangely. She was strong, unreasonably so, so I countered with severe eccentricity. Like are you for real, woman? She was not, or at least grew tired of such warm talk. Do nothing more than shape clear ideas in your head of the things you want. Do not freak if you dont see them become real, but do prepare sidesteps and opportunity taking. This distraction actions got me weary. Funny again how people get sick at the same time. Lets all get a cold. We have it for the holiday though. Skin flakes and everything.

Prep killer aftermath. Couples look lovely, there are but three that I can think of close to me who have remained and still are remaining single. One has been committed, two live in this house. This justifies some sort of action committee formation, loving it when a plan comes together.

It was slightly longer than no time ago that I was able to vent some frustration. I dare say things have been going well. Someone pointed out to me that was evidenced by the poverty of speech up in this crackerjack. True, likely true. Things have been better. Take some time to see if there is something that may change your surroundings so that life is easier, so that you dont complain about the same things to yourself time adn time again. Those things will always appear, but with some motion the negativity can be translated into new better things around you. No builds up inside you and you say it and eventually something changes. No builds up too much and you say no to things you dont actually care about and then even to things you really want to say yes to.

Making a move though is a big deal though. You cant go home again and so forth. What Im still struck by is how long it took for me to decide to move. What forces hold you back . Being sedentary because you have no energy. Being depressed so you can think about the good or visualize anything so theres no reason to change anything. Being not sure. Inertia. Fear, etcetrioni. How though to apply the lesson that moving worked and betting on something you cant quite see can pay off big when everything you see and think about blows wicked bad.

so with back to old lendings and learnings. Oops I forgot again that I dont want to hear from my ex girlfriend. What you say? I forgot that I dont want to hear about her life, imagine her voice talking to me and the warmth. Lucidly fertile love. Was that what it was there. Do I know belief in true love and the one who always comes back? eh? Playing it cooler than I did in the summer, now I bum more or less with an intensity inversely proportional to how connected things get. Change of weather, vitamin or two and boom-swoosh, what time did she last write. Not recently. Remember well getting in a cycle, thinking wow we finally settled into a knowing of something of each other. Neither doubting that communication is good. Too hot to too cold though. Good for her, not thinking about me. Not wanting to write. I wouldnt want to write. And I didnt really last time for any more than to keep this intangible on life support. Now I want it though. I like round numbers though. A whole literal week after I expected her to give some notice of pain or care or hide and seek, I will say something like.

Ta, hey there I was just something er other and wanted to remind you that Im here but really dont feel like you have to write I just wanted to tell you so and so because I like thinking that you are not just a historical pixel on the slideshow here. Good one, endearing. Quite possibly the best you can do. Is there wrong to covering the base that is, hot damn, havent felt that good in a long ever, and I wonder if its the last that I do. Can you imagine chasing her down? Perhaps across a continent. Is that what its supposed to take? Rules Ive seen would have me meeting the real one of my dream at the restaurant where me and my lady final remeet. So chill fool, ice cold and professional. This is the business of your life.

Dense clear space surrounds even the simplist plan. get coffee. How where with what. In sandals? Cut a hair first. Change socks. Hows it going good to see you have a good one you too. Look and not look till your eyes retire. This is a standard walk for some so displeased as to do nothing for a living. Had a job did I. Still do. Minds awash in sad tendencies though. Clearing, but with water only in the gearworks. Lacking substrate for process, dumping icecubes rather than product. Big sharp motherfucking rocks o ice.

If any rules recorded and plastered in years before can be applied here its that with time unshackled to work or family there are surely tasks whose completion would yeild some small smidgeon of comfort. There is. There might be. There is a pile that could be honed, refracted and 90% discarded. Will get a try going with that then.

IM a dweller it turns out. Having never come to terms with a breakup in reasonable time, having never seen an ex of mine by surprise in this or any town of mine because there are too few of them and they have always been on the move. Life is piss poor enough to think about a girl I forced to break up with me at least 3 months ago. Think about in the morning and the everynoon and the downtime between times in which Im writing about it. Check. Solice in assumptions restated. Write down the things you cannot deny. Im not sure I have anything to say to her I just want her. I want her attention and I want to be part of her energetic sphere and I havent gotten over it. What I did was protract the whole event by visiting her on a visit. I remember being rational about it, thinking there is no way I can make this work. Then time passes and I start to think that it could work? Insanity is defined.

Mama Mia. Boy did I have prospects. May still have. Positive thinking might lead me to forget this huge desire. Its been three months. In three months if you still get all nothing over everything then you can push for this lovely who lives 4hrs away and whose parents live on the other side of the country. Love is supposed to overcome such concerns. Does it. Will you know in 3 more months anything if you havent begun to learn intimately of another? Doubtful but possible. She has another. Close friend say thats the fold, this past dear of mine decided to take another shortly before my visit. My reprise. Failing. I suppose there are other things going on in life.

like depression. There were cognitive powers dedicated to more than whats she thinking and whats that other girl like, but they have slept for some time. They may have slept for months now. Since my qualification as a doctoral candidate. That battle was embarrassing, but at least, at very utmost least, got me excited. Thats gone. To be found perhaps by moving my physical location to one that is novel. I do think there will be much to say for that. Motion, especially to Ball Square.

Logic: If I want her to take me back, I should be trying to convince her to take me back. I have to say I broke up with you because things were not working. They were not working by Y X Z and those issues are gone no because of blah cunting blah. Even if I could say that stuff, we would have the widget of what do we talk about. When do we see each other. And she already has boyfriend. The best I remember feeling with a person was with her. Its electric. Perhaps though this feeling occurs with people more and more as you get closer to the big ole serious. who what when where and sometimes how. Im no allowed anymore the chatting function online. Too hard.

Pain was stored up by planning to wait a week for her to think maybe she wants more now. After being a great gentleman once I was later reduced to "I was thinking maybe of us getting back together" sigh. So she returns from her visit and I knowhope know she has had to think hard about where to put me in her head. But a week for what? That I will be able to take the shot of Patron for the future tomorrow, not yet.

FUCK FUCK FUCK GET YOUR HEAD STRAIGHT SO YOU DONT FEEL LIKE THIS FOR LONG, WANTING.

I want her but I am not trusting myself, I do not believe enough in myself, to carry out that desire, because I think I might, maybe, have one shot to get her back and Im not about to waste it now. There is is. Think instead of the shuttling helicase.

pissant kissass you blue highway superstar automatically calculating missed time and whatnot. Gather your belongings and get the great holey hell out of this space. Ive heard of your ways before and Im not amused at their creepings. No more questions or thoughts only slow magnetization away from things which harbor increasing values of NO. No cunt face assaholic same lover. Ive had my ways with you and had ways without you but the same you remain. Taunting, smiling and coming over any time you feel fit. Here as much as I am not fit to run this show anymore. Transitions grant us freedom. Live is to be free unless you struggle with them all. Hitchless and falling is free. Complimenting and moving forward while walking tall. Angled into the earth so as to impress those around that you might have the right idea. To be paid and fed for an idea. One that only grows with ritualistic pampering. Have been there, have forgot how easy and appealing it may be to be there. Have not had the idea that things were to blossum for some time. Free and then again not free, holding and again not holding a warm one. Loving, forgetting, and finding such a love again. Niet. That love was real, is real, and the management of the absence of its embodiment is at hand.

Which hand. These hands. Schedule a professional haircut.

Emotionally. carried on with methods that brought me to a breaking point. Misstepped, look silly, worse being silly. Not silly but said. With reason to feel pain but distributing it wrong. Pulling on strings that dont really look attached anymore. Reminiscent of a time I ran great lengths to find out nothing was at the end of one rope. Whats got tangled? Charge that rod up with breakdown and reassembly. Restate your assumptions. There is nothing to be done for the last one I held so dearly now. Not right now, maybe never. Hurts dearly, but just because you stop paying for what you got doesnt mean that you wont pay again later. Was forgotten. Some are saying keep the faith alive.

Whats positive. Wheres a half filled glass. If I cannot turn around the attitude I will need professionals to attend to this avulsion of reason. Without so many fool outlets I would surely have grown up and fucked some slut long ago. Write here write nothing over and over in six different places. Get feedback like this is disorganized. I had a strong suit before that was dedication. Without that Im sunk and linked to it by steel chain is positivity. Only to survive by increasing the percentage of thoughts that are not negative. How. Effort. How.

keeping mad busy. Telling a father more that comes to mind. Plan a location change. Make this space a little more wideview and task oriented. No the task will no longer be fretting on female memory and hope. Thats not a muthafuckin job nor hobby I can handle.

FUCK
FUCK
FUCK

Hardly a positive bit. Wheres that you were looking for. Sleep to dream and hold fear under your bed. Fears for nothing close to seeing her smile. She can smile and you can love it even if she never knows more.

Deficiency in planning and consent to behave. Dont throw away your chance to have the last word by having several now. Only since things got dire did a last word even be considered. lately. A years worth of mourning? Could barely call it that, would call it half assed approaches in trails with lofty potentials. Turning down more and more casual time for more and more antecedents. What are you referring too? People look at me like they already get it. Why arent any of you asking this question. Ask AJ before his screen went to black. If all these things deplorable are only so in certain light then a switch must be around here somewhere. Its hard to tell in the darkness. Feel without looking, or maybe you can hear it hum first. For the sake of a cushion just play along.

how does it feel to be half a man again? Feels like a blue stick in the wind on concrete. Says my name over and over but theres no response. I can be here, I just cant think like this. I mean if she was here and there was joy, what still would there be. What it is what it is. Got some required reading to do. Feel like theres some things to forget for a while. forget that you had a chance to do good things. forget that there was too much time spent on the evening. Hater for the ages. the logic swap of a while ago yielded some coincidental benefit. There were spatio temporal changes in the way I see two eyes worth of the world. Im charged up now. High on nicotine cessation each evening. Then get back into buts for two days. then back. Insano modulo. Girl said she puked just to have the control. I sell control in a bottle. Prices are rising. Small cartell for your to seethe about. Production induction innervation. Spelled how and for what. A thought was that like mom I can think about my deary not ever writing me back in terms of the good things. She said just think about the good times before she stopped.

There is a possibility that it would help to say no to missing her daily. Could say no. Like you have control ishtard. Wheres your bar set. How big is it. Its this big. Its like that. Its like what if I was to be painting rooms in Gaithersburg. Paint another room. No I dont do taxes. Lost my point that was this. If you feel like your lonely and you want to find a woman, consider how many there are out there. There are many. ok so now consider how you might go about finding the best one. First thing up is not getting too heavy anywhere. But I want needy wanton needy how. Sure you do and does everybody else. Doesnt matter if your clean in the thought process that says Im getting myself ready for big game here and I certainly wont be inclined to do so if I give up now and get a little hunt on. Besides which I have figures to dry lab. That means fabricate. But I mean in the good way, like model drawing. Draw me a model and I still see her in it, bundle of joy. Its more like a glow even. I should think this is not what it feels like when you lose something you must have. What if some people musnt have anything. Could be.

Whats separating me from the mof that I was thinking like few years back is distraction by randoms. I was all in before and given the opportunity it looks like Ive gotten started on getting back.

Cant believe that I made it this far without cadance weapon. Likely friends on either coast will survive me though the turmoil. Cant believe 1) she hasnt written me back 2) its only been ten
strange days 3) Im gonna repeat profesional methods that didnt work.

Rotating though impressions such as Im really good or Im a really dark turd with greater rapidity than would allow for caring. Just cycle though over and over. Im not as weak as I was when i wrote about this situation last. I mean two years ago. Ishtar long its been. Thank you blogger for the valve. My standard was not set high enough then before when back and forth, hating and wanting to help her. Couldnt let go. I dont quit much easily. Has something to do with never losing if you never give up. If it fails you still say oh that could have been good. No I dont play stocks.
I do play professional project though and Im going to be lead on a team of one in a little bit. Guess I was already supposed to be but now Im in RD phase. And on top of that right actual now Im taking a break because Im going to hate the shit out of all these topics if I dont disconnect a little bit. Hating so badly the people I have to see all the time. preventing me from thinking about some bullshit that I play I have to think about. Sometimes cant just be a regular person. Hello other people. Ha ha how are you. Blah sweet blah. Not until rest is got or a task gets done. Glutton for punishment was told to me once by a big man. Am I? Appears to be so. And what for. I like to think that I get to be unparalleled by coming out of left field oll the time. And that means thinking about things a little differently. Truthfully whatever it takes to get you to like your shit that you do all the time is prety key for me.
Meaning today I went someplace novel during rush hour not knowing that rush hour was for real. Like we all stop moving? I was mad at every mother out there for tolerating this on a regular basis. People at work talk about it though. Where to live. How much to commute. I think in terms of ideals because if I deal with the fact that I cant talk to my father I will stop dying half the time. Punch you in the soul if I open this mouth up. Thats somehow been the effect. How and why? Or caring not about how and why nut only determining what needs to functionally be done. Food and rest and regular best. Trying. Im trying to stop hating on the good old girl. Felt randomly fulfilled tonight by warmth and organization and workout to remember thats how I felt when I was going to see her. Made a space like nonother in this world. Rememory avenues, watch me a sign. How couldve development entered that space. Accept it like rain and winter, death.

Like daily know go get a new one it says. Cant help but have the argument fourteen times. Why didnt you see this loss coming. Why didnt you prepare yourself better. Can this be weathered any better. Constant consideration of the alternative. Ditchless. Was being together because I wanted to and so did she. God hope so. So there it was not finally, but only bitten when communication stops. Truly bitten. The one thing I didnt want to give up, nor understood why it had been. So surprised to be surprised every day. She was serious. Diznam. Valiam. Can surprise still be surprise over days. Can a month of surprise educate you in retrospect. Damn I didnt really like things like that did I. Back to the old, do you respect people enough to tell them that they are wrong, or do you respect them enough to not tell them they are wrong. The logic is still there. The illogic was dumped to workstyle. Aint got to do no work just yet. Waves loom for years before crashing. Water falls.

So Im thinking that the lights should really go off earlier. The sadness in my eyes is amplified by the lights. That is, my eyes look worse the more light they see in every day and in more light it is easier to see that my eyes look bad. What I am going to try to do is remove some of the logic from some of my processes and put it into parts where I do things without logic. We dont know what to call the illogic yet. Passion, heart, feeling things, acting with your body rather than your head. Acting with your heart. Whatever. Everyone has the irrational and the rational driving them. I want to swap some. I think that logic has been taking over a little too much, not that the balance can really be skewed too much between these modes of action. Likely, it will be easier to identify things that I do illogically, as I am fairly logical. Its illogical however to expect a paper to get written by itself as a deadline looms. Its not much fun to swap logic into that one though because then I would just be writing that paper. So something more abstract to test the logic swap. I cant think of it, but tomorrow I will seek out some illogical gestures. I guess its illogical to think the people at work dont like me or I dont like them, because its a fairly worthless thought. yeah you can think it in the hope that you will act right or move but I havent and Im not gonna so I will just be logical in then heads. So where can that illogic go. On something I have been cold hard logic on. Im confused again.

So the girl decides we have to stop communicating. Email ideal was the goal, where you havent lost the other person entirely. I think that I was enjoying great benefit of having her a little bit available after the break. Unfortunately she decides its not allowing her to move on. For being ready to be done The idea breakup is defined as the one that leaves the least pain in its wake. Somehow like timing emotions and understanding. She doesnt forgive me for failing to uphold my role. She moved 4 hours away about 7 months ago and there is no chance of us living in the same space in the coming years. Im the badguy though, most likely for the way that I did it. I do think there might be better ways to do it, but I dont think that any would have left her feeling much better than this. It was so too good to be true knowing that she was still a little available. Ishtar and fubar move on and up. Didlypix.

Could there be some better ways? I think the best way is to be busy enough not to feel the loss of these people too much. Yeah, sad is but no its not blocking me from doing anything. Instead Im blocks from doing anything for rainy sunday. Write a paper bitch. Pleasure.

Spring appears at long last. Not trusting ti to say but walking around without a jacket is a novel pleasure. None of these things should be feeling novel but I just cant remember what it was like to feel comfortable for very long at a time recently. Cant nail down an effort that saves me. cant remember the last good save. A failure to try to get anything really done. Break. Back to the drawing bored with assumptions restated. Im a scientist in training. I have at times been very driven to think about and write about science. I have been as of late not very productive. I buy musical equipment and pile it into a room where I make all kinds of noise. I intend to have a significant impact on something by recording music and practicing science. I can say that but I havent felt it for some time. There is good reason to expect change in the near future, but lets have a moment of silence for being a loser, shall we? Over and over again time lost and people lost and time lost and chances lost so that I could watch them go over the edge. What pleasure to experience the sight rather than the experience. I have seen this before. I know what happens next. Have some thoughts to hold dear over the reader as she sits and shimmers. The sky left me months ago. The moon grabs its bags and looks at me, dissapointed. Yeah sorry guys I guess I will just have to try harder. Thanks for the memories.

I cant be with her right now because I have reservations about trying to convince her to be with me. She broke up with me because I could not live up to her expectations. We live 4hrs apart and with no plan to live in the same zone, it became too hard for me after 6 months. So I stoned up and said nothing and eventually she told me to get te fuck. That was enough to wake me up a bit and start fighting for something, the chance to have her still in my life. I was convinced that we deserved to not hate each other. She didint respond for a while after we wrote little. I flip. She comes to visit others and we get to talk. Some pain is consolidated. Stresses are communicated. Cycle right back to attracted attracted desires. Nice to have you back. oops shes leaving again.

She isnt sure if she can keep up emailing regular. She could be with someone new in a week or six months. She planned a trip to the same place I was planning a trip to though. And I love her.

I cant let go. I cant stop thinking about things in terms of her as part of me. Last week it was war with her but without the war its loss of her. Now its my turn to wonder if I can write her. Now its my turn to be alone and know I bought this for myself. We are going to try to win by effective communication. We cant be talking everyday, we cant be writing everyday. So I cant write. I can write here though, the anatomy of a breakup. Whats most important too me. Knowing she is ok? How do I even know that. Whats important for me is to make her feel supported and loved. I have to be stronger than that which will inspire me to be jealous, lonely, scared, hurt, vulnerable. I see some notes I gave her before, even today. They are garbage though. I pipe garbage. Just going to try to get clear on things. Clearing up.

cant roll on fire from our wheels dear | we have time now just lets steer clear | wreckage worst than that ahead and Im not letting you cry | Im telling you cry now though | crys now for a wall

so far and so long away from being well. States your mind finds itself in. You dont evolve but you get evolved. really animals dont evolve but species do find them selves to have evolved. Thanks to death. So much death. People dont really change themselves but they do get changed. You can argue that people are changing themselves by making choices.

My ex has chosen to stop communicating. How exactly this is so much more of a pain than anything I have really endured with her I don't know. Timing? The total surprise that I could have picked two such americans in a row to open up to. Chalk it all up to experience boy. After you get some good scream out. Hoarse enough to stop for a spell. And cast one on myself. There are a large number of ways that the method can break down without warning. Stumble and keep falling, your in the same shitstorm you were before, dont worry. Its possible that she felt this pain before breaking up with me. Initiating or whatever. I still dont forgive it though. Yes its reasonable, yes the standard here allows for it, no I do not think it is right, yes I will hold out a little longer for something. But physically what can be done in the meantime.

physically.

can there be a gothic font please? Google do you listen with care? Serving forgotten notation stimulates. It appears the armnhammer has now clear membranes on its sides so that it may deoderize more fluently in the refridge. People are visiting my area code as I move about and I continue to avoid them. In addition my identity here has been comprimise. The sheen does this and that before it gets me a nature paper. I dont have any sheens, and I only wear two pairs of jeans. But I like them.

When people break up I used to like asking simple questions like who actually broke it off. Like I think I thought I knew enough to think that that might mean something. Without asking well how much did they both want to be in the relationship. I had a relationship with a therapist over the summer. I stopped because I thought she was getting more out of it than I was. Back to the breaking up. Its like there is one or two people who are trying to make the relationship work at the end. Then there is one person or two people trying to end it a little bit. Then there is one or two people who actually do try and end it. We will further consider the non two person situation because when both people want to do the same thing its not worth writing about. So one person wants out but maybe acts like a stupid cunt because they are afraid and havent been single enough times and just dont want to be alone. Instead of breaking up. You prevent this from ruining your life by being certain that you are making your partner happy enough to be in the relationship. That is you trust that they are cogent. Which Im misusing to say that they have it together enough to decide. Any therapist who later cums with their patient is banished to rot upside-down for ever. Likewise Im loosing you, I know it. Bottom line for those who still follow is that

What the cunt just happened? A month of another year in the life lost. 3 babies are born at work this year in which mom passed. Friends have moved about in a small span of time. Two friends break out of long relations. The 5 year mark is so popular. I still cant grow back desires to contact people Ive decided to contact. holding pattern. I remember feeling as though I was really good at some stuff when I was younger. It had something to do with being alone. Then later I learned more leisure. Sociality related. Now I do things in a helter skelter manner resulting in few results. The results section is empty. Those grades will be the sticky widget so to speak. I think well that waking at 750 will do everyone good, just lets start tomorrow because theres a butt and a beer to have now. Long distance relationships dont kill people, people kill people. I think it might be time to see more of the day through fewer shades of emotion. Like if I didnt have that coffee, I might actually stop moving forward. Then what have you, well? Then you have a false pretense. Living under the wire or have loans in all directions, monetary and otherwise. Im in debt to the television but Im not sure how to pay. You pay by watching. You borrow by watching. ? When I get angry I try to imagine how it would be possible for a person to feel that they are being watched. Science is very tricky, and simply because certain rays and patterns in space have not been identified sho as shit dont make them not there. Wheres mom though? Well shes still right here I suppose. The no in my life is large and the goal is to reduce it. How to you reduce it. Practices. One by one is practices. Fer fucks sake go don jaun a little on these angers. I will fucking kill you fagt ass motherfucker. You have far more to lose than I. Think about that. broken pieces inside pushing out and cutting. Headlocking a pacifist until he taps out fer what?

Code blue, stay at home.

Why its getting so damn hard to accept people and thier actions. For who they are. Im nt going to keep it up for all of them. Theres just too mcuh in this world to associate yourself with many who do little. Why cant we stand up more. Why do so many feel it is their right to do nothing, not follow simp[le rules of procedure, of edicate. To not take so much out of those around you. TO pay attention when you difrve. to look at people whne you talk to them. To thank them. To empathize. To call them back, to just call them and leave messages that say hello. What the fuck lets us walk with such a horrible leverl of fear fopr each other. Its a af ear we feel to get valk to uourselves. aa fear of not likelying or not recognizing the surroundings as an opportunity or as beautiful. Its means time must be taken away from other things, stimulants, computer people tv etc for some time. Left oto do only one thing for a leriod in leisure a peorson will balance. How can people think that they need not excercise. Its there soethign wrong here. Do you have a boduy? well then fo what. Have a barbeque, ave some people over, get a n add up there. Collect a room to make noise in. Step up after rest, and eat as though you think you would liek such beautiful substrate inside your actual body adn blood and brain. I doubt you do mostly. Try writing and doing it carefully enough so that you can read it well on teh first path. Or miss some thoughts raging.

There is apparently a difference between feeling like I cant get out of bed and just staying in bed. It is also probably that no matter how many times people tell me that I cant change people I will still try and get them to do thing that I think they should. This might be some kind of disease. If I cant blame people for being who they are and can only take them for what they are then I cant imagine getting angry at them. How would I get angry at them. If they break the blender I can get angry. I might be angry at them even, but you should never yell at them. You should never You should never sexually abuse a woman. I should know. Im a medical doctor.

My mother is dying at about 58. My girlfriend of about 7 months and I just broke up. Spending time with your close family curtails many activites, but I suppose its better that way. Hard to imagine what I would be doing otherwise. People come over again and again prepared to see mom for the last time. Normally I see things around me and think of how they could be done better, but this process seems to be going the best way it can. My mom has lots of friends, more than I think most people, especially people in my generation. I suppose it’s a comfort. It passes the time at least, preventing me from spending whole days sitting there crying while I hold her feet. One day after breaking a relationship off you are so aware of the absence. The strings that bound you, promting resistance to call or go over, gone. You to float a bit. Lonely for once in so long. Its so easy to think of the comfort. So nice to imagine calling and saying all these nice things now that you see more the positive sides of the interaction. She was such a comfort. Concentrate on what did not work though. Though it was amicable, a week is still the most sensible at least. Before I can mention that Im ok, I hope shes ok. Subtle fear that she will go out and touch people. Cant help it, and I doubt she is inclined to do so anyway. We lacked the respect for each other needed to continue. Some connection was lost, though there was still some crazy timing between us, she doesn’t realize. Maybe that’s just something that can happen with people you are in tune with, and perhaps there are many people you can be in tune with. Guess I will see in time. I miss her though, that’s for sure. The computers are broken and I cant think. My boss said I can take time off work and Im not sure how to. Im seeing a trained psychological type person this week for the first time ever. I can only wonder what that is like. Its nice to tell people about your troubles though. Seems to release some of their import. For what though. For what do I do. So that I can try to do good work I guess.

nonstop nonthought calibrates the done man for tomorrow. Eyes closed to breath.

but watching as a death goes on for months changes so much about who a person is to you. There must be ways to preserve and image of someone so that you raent later only remembering the way they were when their falculties erode. Certainly traits remain that inspire you but the feeling of dread only grows. Wondering is there more that can be done. Is there anything that can be said that might better this rainstorm. Human touch and time spent together clashes with multiple interference. No one is the same person to several people and when time is short all those people might be in the same room. You just have to push. You have to keep standing and keep trying and know in your heart that what you are doing is right. Your sorrow like anger is a gift and it is to be nurtured at the right time. Too often the knee jerk is to evade such stress but without relishing ever, without tearing and flowing and wailing how do you know you feel anything. If you dont, how does it burn you later? In disporportionate ways and random settings the stress does bubble to the surface. Somehow like the the past is history the future is a mystery, this moment is a gift, and thus called the present. Try to contain tidbits of the good and presertve them and that is what you had.

What has been going on here? Something doesnt sit right. How can things have remained mostly the same? Try to collect some thoughts. In 1906 they tell me they had buildings. Cities even. The skyscrapers werent built till labor was cheap by the depression. Ok. Stock Market, yes, brokers and papers and maybe some phones. 20s 30s 40s 50s. World Wars radar and drafts. Television. 60s Drugs and self awareness and change. It wont do to have two bathrooms for different color people now. K. Status quo is still largely there. Most of the rich guys are still rich. More people start going to college. People are getting to the moon or they got there. The bomb exists. People drive cars and I think things are prosperous in america. People get information from newspapers and TV. War is fought in south asia and its on TV. This is where people probably start acting funny. TV gives a standard that didnt exist before, and other way to be. Another rapidfire example of humans that you cant actually talk to. But who talk to you. Radio is still popular. Microwave ovens somehow are allowed. DDT is outed as bad. People think maybe all chemicals are not good for once. What happened in the seventies? I think people enjoyed new things and lived new lives. Enjoying.

IM going to revisit it but my question is how did the status quo possibly survive the explosion of technology called computers, cable tv, cd's, satellite tv, and internet. And cell phones. Its important to note that the people who maintain the worlds dynamic equilibrium do not do so because they are evil. They think that these are the way things should work for the better of some people. Mostly.

At what point will a black box voting booth matter, at what point will nonsequitors of 30min world news actually insult people enough to force them to look elsewhere for answers. Who do we hold responsible for the state of affairs? I say lets get on the senators. Theres only a hundred of them. They are complicit in the decision to go to war in iraq. They are the people with the most concentrated power who are still vulnerable. Ok, so how do they get seats? I dont remember. Gathering some steam here though.

Not since last December. Well I started seeing someone. Its hard to find people who will put up with only seeing you once or twice a week. Especially considering how things always seem to grow in intensity. It has been good. Which of course includes sometimes having issues. Its important to note how defensive mechanisms and gestures present during discussion with someone you are involved with. They make you both speak in ways that you likely dont actually mean. in that theres always more and more complete explanations to give about what you mean but in the interest of time you can only make a few.

Point is not to let defensive gestures direct how you guys interact. Why did you say this like that and to do what? Make yourself right in the argument on minutiae for an instasecond and then feel better. Yes it likely that all these different aspect of interaction come together to make an opinion that challenges the relationship be known. I want this to change about you. You cant change people. You can change people. If you change people there will be some sort of transfer between changee and changer. This transfer will likely be balanced out later down the line. Perhaps much farther down, but more likely sooner than you think.

Why do you want to go around changing people. Im not trying to change people Im trying to discuss these aspects of us people. You. I am bringing this up to remind you that I dont think it s a good idea when you o this. Is a job the only time anyone can tell anyone what to motherfucking do? Family does tell family what to do I think and rightly so. People intercede on other people I think in history and I think its an important aspect of being social.

So are there better ways to complain about someone you care singly about with respect to all those other people or potential people out there that you might like. How do people change the rate at which they intersect in time without buffering the change in emotion potentially associated with a breakup. They just do what they feel. How do you do that politely. You figure it out and decide what to do instead of acting like a bitch.

its great to find people who dance around your level of commitment. flashing mirror images of notions like desire and wonder. Its great to find them and be entertained by them and entertain them but to what end do you get to know someone. To what degree to you say to yourself im going to have this persons feelings a bit as my own. Im going to look out for this person. Did everyone figure this out already. Most people seem to be winging it. Whipped or whipping. damn shame worth a boycott. For to which the end of youngness appears. Looking fo nothing until youve found a setting. Looking for nothing you know at least.

Girls wearing heels and drawing eyes charm the pants off a man and hes a man. Stakes too high for children it seems. People like meat and stories to tell. People like people they like, people like people they know, like they know what people they like. People like people they like, that they know that they like them cause I know that I like you that I know. That I like you.

People like people they know and people they like from people that they know and wonder rarely should it be more wonder strangely do I know. Could you know? Did you see? Did you see what I mean how it changed and why for why would we look. Why would we want to see what it looks like. Are I strong? Have I seen it and gotten here yet? People jump people like from pan to the fire and wonder not. Im not wondering.

been resting and walking for a while. More and more sets come to mind. Focused on the past to a lesser degree, working to surround myself with futuristic thoughts. Its encouraging to close your eyes for a few moments and consider how the spaceship has improved. New crew, old crew still doin the thing. For some time I found myself dangerously close to getting involved as they say. Like electrostatics, you get too close and the attractive power can be incredible. There were some tests run on the positive feedback cycle of attraction. Can you get liking one and still be on the scene? Can there truly be partitioning? Not so much sober. Once your mind starts comforting itself thinking and wondering about another, or my mind at least, views on other girls slide. Now the balancing act ensues. No Im not ready for a relationship, yes, I will be in one if I dont balance well. Again, why get away from the doubling comfort?

Loss of self. Loss of self time, freedom, loss of potential meetings with people who blow you away. Not being blown away doesnt necessarily kill the likelihood of enjoyment of involvement, but being blown away, and knowing for sure its time to up the throttle, thats what Im looking for. The other reason is that breaking is the worst. The other reason is that getting involved when your in a rapid change zone or on shakey footing isnt fair. And you cant enjoy as much the reiterative meeting of people that gets you to shift your definition of yourself forward.

Advice, call people, say hello, power through awkwardness that erupts on most channels all the time. Prove to people that you dont care about the small stuff, then proving it to yourself. Caught on past experience in mind, press through to visions of the future, tonight, tomorrow, friday, Forces you to see a version in your head, and then you will make turns that better face you towards goals, as with something in mind you step closer to it than if you had nothing, or the past. Couldnt step to it if it wasnt there, clearly.

In that vein, pornography was dropped. While stimulation is a treat and allows simpler lifestyles, the drain on the brain is uneeded and inappropriately ensues with such easy access to ideas of such nature. Its out. Visualization and scarring of cortecese with such imagery can at this point only separate more for me the notion of a girl and the actual possibility of finding someone I want to hold so hard as to become part of her. Thats my goal, give up my brain and take on yours. I see it happen, and it can warm a room, even one full of coldhearted minds like myself. restate the assumption. With my eyes open and with faith to myself first, I will find some people worth plunging off cliffs with.

Theres a feeling thats been missed for some time cropping up. Forgot the slippery slope. Yes, while fun and exciting the notion of a togetherness is, even the notion begets suffering of desire. Do I or dont I think or do or call or act. Guess is that acting will happen no matter what, as she is around a bunch. Its nice to imagine a simpler original version of the relationship. Classic, technical term meaning knowledge of one another, with slight consideration of attraction only. Theres no going back to that. It will be putting off a decision as long as I can stand. So that I know. I dont now know what to do, and the lack of intentionality is getting sticky. Cant imagine the annoyance of seeing her with another. I could deal though. I could, though there is a worst case that dealing wouldnt include friends and fun remaining. Two options, together and married, or together and then broken up. Both bad. Plan B, no move made, she wont be single long, then I get to see what it feels like.

As if shes going to motherfucking hit it off with somebody and stick with them for years. Fools rush in, ICE COLD. What of the fact that she should expect the same amount of attention? We have no contract, and I think we both know that this cant work like this for too long. There is tension. Giving into that tension appears like an orgasm itself. Brief ecstasy followed by bondage. Ive not been myself long enough to risk delusion at this point. A corner of my life has been turned this very month, its a good time to keep things simple. Unfortunately this fun is going to be short lived. Half a person I am not yet. Habdashery. Craptacular. Asshat.

Im going to supplement giving girls the crazy eye with some onlineness. First though some details need to be worked out. 1) How long do you give yourself before getting involved with someone after someone else hurt you. 2) How do you go into a relationship knowing full well that your lifestyle will change considerably within 6 months. 3) How do you stay ice cold in the face of such rampant sexuality and so many beautiful radiant women.

Initially inclined to wait until I stopped thinking about the ex a dozen times a day, it seems better now to just get on with things. She got me out of her mind with a new body right quick, there is something to be said for replacement. Now if I were still in contact with her, it would be questionable, and as mentioned I was in contact with her for much too long, but having cut connections it seems quite worth considering me then having moved on.

Six months is a long time. Although these ruminations are designed for the sensitive listener, myself, its not worth it to stay single for that long because you are leaving town. Better to date several people and if things get heavy, then break talk about the plans to go somewhere. Heavy means seeing people more than twice a week, getting down, regularly. For me that is. Apart from the one night stand, regular sex is not for more than one at once, not for my brain at least.

You stay ice cold by hearing about how horrible and half alive it is on the other side of the fence. To live as though connected through air to another. Yes I do wish to be there one day, and I do wish to date in the meantime, but seriously, there are advantages to being not tied down, including the excitement of running a bar or a party, eyes all over, the night wide open. You get less mindnumbing ejaculations, you get less warmth and yummy sharedness, but there will be time enough for that later. At least for me right now thats the case. The old 35 year old finish line looms large, but there is time enough yet to wander.

So the bottom line, fully qualified (meaning better than average at least) Im getting the F out there. Match and Craigs, here I is. Girls on the train, bewarey yo selves.

In this time of rapid and vapid communication it seems worth it to talk a bit on the last post more because, well, I have yet to understand my advice. You cannot expect a person to state or otherwise confirm that they are not going to try to meet your expectations. Even if they love you, believe them or do not, the ultimate bottom line is yours. Did the person fulfill your expectations, or not. If not, you hopefully have two choices. Turn away, or accept. By accept I mean decide that you will not cut them out of your life, but that you will wait until you can communicate to them in a productive manner. Because some relief can be found in writing letters or email to people who you care about, it is very tempting to continue relentlessly to convince someone to act differently. You have to implement some kind of limit if you are going to survive, and remember that you are part of a community, so its not only you that suffers when somebody treats you wrong and you give into being hurt for weeks and weeks and months or years or forever. Your obligation is to yourself, and to defining limits to your detrimental emotions. These emotions promoted continuity of the species before, but in this world, I think that they are more likely to cause recursive trapsetting. Pain and disgust and hurt do well sometimes to keep one inside until they have come to terms with the status of a relationship. These emotions often also drive people out to distraction where dangerous mistakes can be made. There are STDs with no name or test, you do have a choice always if you stop and think. Yes, humans seem all flawed for tragedy, but no you dont have to just throw yourself into the night to get over your pain. Most likely that pain will not be decimated. Apparently forgotten, it will remain and be built into resident memory no matter what. Coming to terms with pain allows you to reshape and direct the associations of pain so that you can stand taller, not drunker.

be serious